Friday, May 01, 2009
The Sex Talk
I realize this is coming a little early, but everyday I hear a PSA on the radio about talking to your kids about sex. So here it goes. Obviously I will have some time to perfect it, but thought I would get the basics down now. You can never be too prepared.
Son,
Don't start having sex unless you have money to either support a child or buy yourself some antibiotics. I'm not paying for any of that crap. Ok, ok, I might soften up to a grandchild, but you're on your own for antibiotics (you dirty slut).
Don't meet girls to have sex with on Myspace. That's not her picture. In fact, that's probably a man.
Condoms work... most of the time. The chances of the condom breaking grow exponentially with how ugly the girl is. I have created this graph to explain my point:
Never lower your standards. That's what masturbation is for.
Don't watch porn when you're a horny teenager trying to figure out how to do it. This is not sex. This is porn. This doesn't happen in real life. Unless you are a Minnesota Viking.
The first time is quick. Well, most of the time it will be quick, until you figure out what you're doing. And no, that wasn't great for her. It's not all about you. Listen to your partner.
Sex is messy. There are juices and sweat. Take a shower. People can smell that.
The pullout method does not work. That's where you came from.
Yes, sex makes babies. Biologically, that's what it's for.
Son,
Don't start having sex unless you have money to either support a child or buy yourself some antibiotics. I'm not paying for any of that crap. Ok, ok, I might soften up to a grandchild, but you're on your own for antibiotics (you dirty slut).
Don't meet girls to have sex with on Myspace. That's not her picture. In fact, that's probably a man.
Condoms work... most of the time. The chances of the condom breaking grow exponentially with how ugly the girl is. I have created this graph to explain my point:
Never lower your standards. That's what masturbation is for.
Don't watch porn when you're a horny teenager trying to figure out how to do it. This is not sex. This is porn. This doesn't happen in real life. Unless you are a Minnesota Viking.
The first time is quick. Well, most of the time it will be quick, until you figure out what you're doing. And no, that wasn't great for her. It's not all about you. Listen to your partner.
Sex is messy. There are juices and sweat. Take a shower. People can smell that.
The pullout method does not work. That's where you came from.
Yes, sex makes babies. Biologically, that's what it's for.
