Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Remember me?
Has anybody been wondering where I've been? Well you should get a Facebook.
NBA season started tonight. Too many good teams that got better in the off season. Woot!
The Bengals are awesome, period.
It snowed today. Who's ready for some winter? Um, anyone want to give me some new tires?
You know what sucks? Driving an hour to work everyday. Then driving an hour home every night. Boo, driving. Yay beer!
Kool-Aid is still awesome.
Did you vote for Obama? That's not change, that's more of the same.
You know what I missed when our satellite was out? 11pm Jeopardy on GSN. Who doesn't love Alex?
Ashley and I are going to be illegal aliens for Halloween. I need a back pack full of babies, a flannel shirt, the social security card of a deceased 98 year old man, and will use phrases like "Waas Sappening?"
Colsen will be a monkey.
I'm tired. And I have to watch Jeopardy.
NBA season started tonight. Too many good teams that got better in the off season. Woot!
The Bengals are awesome, period.
It snowed today. Who's ready for some winter? Um, anyone want to give me some new tires?
You know what sucks? Driving an hour to work everyday. Then driving an hour home every night. Boo, driving. Yay beer!
Kool-Aid is still awesome.
Did you vote for Obama? That's not change, that's more of the same.
You know what I missed when our satellite was out? 11pm Jeopardy on GSN. Who doesn't love Alex?
Ashley and I are going to be illegal aliens for Halloween. I need a back pack full of babies, a flannel shirt, the social security card of a deceased 98 year old man, and will use phrases like "Waas Sappening?"
Colsen will be a monkey.
I'm tired. And I have to watch Jeopardy.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Road Rage
My dad gets some serious road rage when he is behind the wheel. I once was in the car with him when he threatened to run over a pedestrian and made some unkind gestures toward the person. Had traffic not started moving, I think he may have gotten out of the car to throw down.
I, myself, don't really understand road rage. My life doesn't suck so much that I have to take it out on some unsuspecting drivers. I'm generally not in a hurry. I don't use my horn, though I think sometimes I should. My biggest concern when I am driving is filling the time with some quality driving music.
One of my favorite things that happens out on the road is when an impatient driver tailgates then passes me the first chance he/she gets. I see them speed off into the distance ahead. Then I catch up to them at a stop sign or where they are stuck unable to pass another driver moving at a reasonable speed. I'm laughing on the inside thinking about how this person probably wastes a lot more gas than I do with their constant accelerating. Just one of those little wins in life that I count on my imaginary air chalk board.
I drive a Chevy Tahoe. Don't think I feel threatened by you road ragers thinking you can bully me around in your hybrid Honda. You know who you are...
Just calm down. The only thing you can control is yourself and your entire approach to this wonderful activity we call driving. My advice? Turn up the tunes and let Dexy's Midnight Runners cool you down (Come On Eileen = My song of the day). Roll down your window, get some wind in your face, and enjoy the ride.
I, myself, don't really understand road rage. My life doesn't suck so much that I have to take it out on some unsuspecting drivers. I'm generally not in a hurry. I don't use my horn, though I think sometimes I should. My biggest concern when I am driving is filling the time with some quality driving music.
One of my favorite things that happens out on the road is when an impatient driver tailgates then passes me the first chance he/she gets. I see them speed off into the distance ahead. Then I catch up to them at a stop sign or where they are stuck unable to pass another driver moving at a reasonable speed. I'm laughing on the inside thinking about how this person probably wastes a lot more gas than I do with their constant accelerating. Just one of those little wins in life that I count on my imaginary air chalk board.
I drive a Chevy Tahoe. Don't think I feel threatened by you road ragers thinking you can bully me around in your hybrid Honda. You know who you are...
Just calm down. The only thing you can control is yourself and your entire approach to this wonderful activity we call driving. My advice? Turn up the tunes and let Dexy's Midnight Runners cool you down (Come On Eileen = My song of the day). Roll down your window, get some wind in your face, and enjoy the ride.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
You know what I hate?
When I stumble upon an internet video that claims to have some sweet football action and it turns out to be soccer. Lame.
People who don't want Brett Favre to unretire and play again.
When I get a new friend request on Facebook, but it's just somebody that I previously had denied as a friend. No, I'm not going to be your friend. Stop sending stupid requests. I'm not a Facebook whore.
Minute rice. Really? You can't wait for more than a minute for good rice?
Mice. I had to pay $300 for all the wires they ate in my Tahoe. Thanks, mice. I'm glad I have mice hunting cats in my house.
Stupid songs by Kenny Chesney. I like Kenny Chesney for the most part, but every so often he releases a sucky song.
Rum. See previous post.
Advertised "topless" car washes where they don't wash the top of your car. I paid you money now wash my whole car and take your shirt off.
Size D batteries. Really? Size D? Why aren't all batteries the same? Especially camera batteries, what's the deal with those? Or cell phone batteries? What about cell phone chargers? I'm glad I have to buy a new car charger every time I get a new phone. Thanks, cell phone makers.
Cell phone makers. See above.
People who don't like dogs. Or babies. What's wrong with you?
Oscar winning movies. Give me some action. Some comedy. I don't want to watch a movie that I don't understand. Blow something up. Make fart jokes.
GM. Thanks for taking my tax money and using it among other things to pay for someone's car who shouldn't have bought that car in the first place. If they lose their job? Tell them to trade in that brand new car for a 1986 Ford Escort. Something they can afford. Don't make their payments for them.
Riding in airplanes. Mostly because of the motion sickness.
Swine Flu. Stay away from me if you are sick.
Shiraz. Not my favorite wine.
Staying up past my bed time. Good night!
People who don't want Brett Favre to unretire and play again.
When I get a new friend request on Facebook, but it's just somebody that I previously had denied as a friend. No, I'm not going to be your friend. Stop sending stupid requests. I'm not a Facebook whore.
Minute rice. Really? You can't wait for more than a minute for good rice?
Mice. I had to pay $300 for all the wires they ate in my Tahoe. Thanks, mice. I'm glad I have mice hunting cats in my house.
Stupid songs by Kenny Chesney. I like Kenny Chesney for the most part, but every so often he releases a sucky song.
Rum. See previous post.
Advertised "topless" car washes where they don't wash the top of your car. I paid you money now wash my whole car and take your shirt off.
Size D batteries. Really? Size D? Why aren't all batteries the same? Especially camera batteries, what's the deal with those? Or cell phone batteries? What about cell phone chargers? I'm glad I have to buy a new car charger every time I get a new phone. Thanks, cell phone makers.
Cell phone makers. See above.
People who don't like dogs. Or babies. What's wrong with you?
Oscar winning movies. Give me some action. Some comedy. I don't want to watch a movie that I don't understand. Blow something up. Make fart jokes.
GM. Thanks for taking my tax money and using it among other things to pay for someone's car who shouldn't have bought that car in the first place. If they lose their job? Tell them to trade in that brand new car for a 1986 Ford Escort. Something they can afford. Don't make their payments for them.
Riding in airplanes. Mostly because of the motion sickness.
Swine Flu. Stay away from me if you are sick.
Shiraz. Not my favorite wine.
Staying up past my bed time. Good night!
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Roughest Nights Out
I couldn't fill in a top 5 for what I was drinking on my roughest nights ever. I only have 2 nights I consider rough nights.
Night #1 - We were having a little get together at Chris's house. Captain Morgan got started early. By 10pm my night was done. I believe some of you have seen the picture of me on the couch with a bucket. Yeah, that was that night.
Night #2 - This one happened in Oregon with some rum and coke. It was a mini-pitcher. No bucket involved this time, just me on the floor with my head out the door redecorating the back porch.
The aftermath - Puking for most of the next day on both occasions.
Me and rum are no longer friends.
Night #1 - We were having a little get together at Chris's house. Captain Morgan got started early. By 10pm my night was done. I believe some of you have seen the picture of me on the couch with a bucket. Yeah, that was that night.
Night #2 - This one happened in Oregon with some rum and coke. It was a mini-pitcher. No bucket involved this time, just me on the floor with my head out the door redecorating the back porch.
The aftermath - Puking for most of the next day on both occasions.
Me and rum are no longer friends.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Facebook Addict
It's my crack. I have been visiting Facebook a lot lately. I even post updates with my phone. I take it with me.
One thing that I really like is that my old high school friends seem to be much more active on Facebook. We have been posting photos and doing a much better job of keeping in touch. It's good to reminisce about the old times.
Then there's all the apps. I'm on my way to getting internet drunk with all the drinks that are getting passed my way.
The quizzes are the most addicting. I can sit here all day and do different quizzes about the 80's, movies, general stuff, etc. Who doesn't love a good quiz about The Smurfs?
And I'm in a band... of merry men... with tights.
One thing that I really like is that my old high school friends seem to be much more active on Facebook. We have been posting photos and doing a much better job of keeping in touch. It's good to reminisce about the old times.
Then there's all the apps. I'm on my way to getting internet drunk with all the drinks that are getting passed my way.
The quizzes are the most addicting. I can sit here all day and do different quizzes about the 80's, movies, general stuff, etc. Who doesn't love a good quiz about The Smurfs?
And I'm in a band... of merry men... with tights.
The Sex Talk
I realize this is coming a little early, but everyday I hear a PSA on the radio about talking to your kids about sex. So here it goes. Obviously I will have some time to perfect it, but thought I would get the basics down now. You can never be too prepared.
Son,
Don't start having sex unless you have money to either support a child or buy yourself some antibiotics. I'm not paying for any of that crap. Ok, ok, I might soften up to a grandchild, but you're on your own for antibiotics (you dirty slut).
Don't meet girls to have sex with on Myspace. That's not her picture. In fact, that's probably a man.
Condoms work... most of the time. The chances of the condom breaking grow exponentially with how ugly the girl is. I have created this graph to explain my point:
Never lower your standards. That's what masturbation is for.
Don't watch porn when you're a horny teenager trying to figure out how to do it. This is not sex. This is porn. This doesn't happen in real life. Unless you are a Minnesota Viking.
The first time is quick. Well, most of the time it will be quick, until you figure out what you're doing. And no, that wasn't great for her. It's not all about you. Listen to your partner.
Sex is messy. There are juices and sweat. Take a shower. People can smell that.
The pullout method does not work. That's where you came from.
Yes, sex makes babies. Biologically, that's what it's for.
Son,
Don't start having sex unless you have money to either support a child or buy yourself some antibiotics. I'm not paying for any of that crap. Ok, ok, I might soften up to a grandchild, but you're on your own for antibiotics (you dirty slut).
Don't meet girls to have sex with on Myspace. That's not her picture. In fact, that's probably a man.
Condoms work... most of the time. The chances of the condom breaking grow exponentially with how ugly the girl is. I have created this graph to explain my point:
Never lower your standards. That's what masturbation is for.
Don't watch porn when you're a horny teenager trying to figure out how to do it. This is not sex. This is porn. This doesn't happen in real life. Unless you are a Minnesota Viking.
The first time is quick. Well, most of the time it will be quick, until you figure out what you're doing. And no, that wasn't great for her. It's not all about you. Listen to your partner.
Sex is messy. There are juices and sweat. Take a shower. People can smell that.
The pullout method does not work. That's where you came from.
Yes, sex makes babies. Biologically, that's what it's for.
Monday, April 27, 2009
And the Academy Award goes to...
I just watched Slumdog Millionaire last night. Why is it that most movies that win the Best Picture Oscar... I don't want to say suck, but... what the hell, they suck. I didn't like this movie. I was expecting to see some poor kid win a million dollars then go spend it like crazy in the slums. Instead, it's about his poor life and how his experiences helped him to know all the answers and all that wrapped around a love story. And then they dance.
I can't say this movie was much worse than any of its competitors this year though. Milk? Hi, I'm Sean Penn and I'm gay. He went full gay in this one, so he didn't win the award. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Brad Pitt and all his sexiness doesn't make this movie good. And I have a man crush on Brad Pitt. Frost/Nixon? It has a slash in the title. And do people remember Nixon any more? The Reader? This one I've never even heard of, but since it was nominated here, I'm going to assume it sucks.
And who votes for these movies? I think that partially it's past award winners, right? So basically, people in movies that suck are voting for movies that suck.
What about the Dark Knight? It was the most commercially successful movie of the year... of the millennium so far. It had 8 Oscar nominations, but didn't get a nod for Best Picture? Why the hell not?
I look at the Academy like the Electoral College. A bunch of people that don't think the populace can make the correct decision, so they do their own voting.
I can't say this movie was much worse than any of its competitors this year though. Milk? Hi, I'm Sean Penn and I'm gay. He went full gay in this one, so he didn't win the award. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Brad Pitt and all his sexiness doesn't make this movie good. And I have a man crush on Brad Pitt. Frost/Nixon? It has a slash in the title. And do people remember Nixon any more? The Reader? This one I've never even heard of, but since it was nominated here, I'm going to assume it sucks.
And who votes for these movies? I think that partially it's past award winners, right? So basically, people in movies that suck are voting for movies that suck.
What about the Dark Knight? It was the most commercially successful movie of the year... of the millennium so far. It had 8 Oscar nominations, but didn't get a nod for Best Picture? Why the hell not?
I look at the Academy like the Electoral College. A bunch of people that don't think the populace can make the correct decision, so they do their own voting.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Commercials
You know how tv commercials are supposed to reflect what they are trying to sell to the tv show's target audience?
Apparently, I watch shows meant for horny singles, because I often see commercials for onlinebootycall.com. Sweet. These commercials suck. Content, quality, and product.
How about them Disaronno commercials? The guy's like, today we're going to show you how to make Disaronno on the rocks with lemon. It's Disaronno. On the rocks. With lemon. Pretty complicated. Thanks guy, for enlightening me. Now my dreams of becoming Tom Cruise from Cocktail will some day come true because I know how to make a drink that is apparent how to make from its name.
I saw a commercial for this law firm looking for people who took Advair and had adverse effects. It turns out Advair, a medicine for helping with asthma, actually makes it worse. Sweet. Now if you or a family member took it and suffered a laundry list of symptoms you can call this 1-800 number and join in on the lawsuit. Woot.
On Hulu I often see the University of Phoenix commercials. I am a Phoenix. What I get from this commercial is that I have to be a minority/immigrant single parent whose parent's never got a college education if I want to be successful at the University of Phoenix.
It's my money and I want it now!
I often wish I could get the latest sweet piece of exercise equipment that will not only make me a six pack stud in just 20 minutes a day, but it will also give me a tan if you compare the before and after pictures. I guess I just feel so awesome with my hot bod that I often go tanning now or hang out at the beach.
I think my goal for weight loss would be to fit into the clothes that I have rather than lose so many inches that I have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Jessica Simpson doesn't have acne anymore and it's all because of Proactiv.
What about the bearded, long haired hippy guy from Christian Children's Fund. He's creepy. And he's always hanging out with cousins of mine. Call the number for a picture of my family from the Philippines.
Apparently, I watch shows meant for horny singles, because I often see commercials for onlinebootycall.com. Sweet. These commercials suck. Content, quality, and product.
How about them Disaronno commercials? The guy's like, today we're going to show you how to make Disaronno on the rocks with lemon. It's Disaronno. On the rocks. With lemon. Pretty complicated. Thanks guy, for enlightening me. Now my dreams of becoming Tom Cruise from Cocktail will some day come true because I know how to make a drink that is apparent how to make from its name.
I saw a commercial for this law firm looking for people who took Advair and had adverse effects. It turns out Advair, a medicine for helping with asthma, actually makes it worse. Sweet. Now if you or a family member took it and suffered a laundry list of symptoms you can call this 1-800 number and join in on the lawsuit. Woot.
On Hulu I often see the University of Phoenix commercials. I am a Phoenix. What I get from this commercial is that I have to be a minority/immigrant single parent whose parent's never got a college education if I want to be successful at the University of Phoenix.
It's my money and I want it now!
I often wish I could get the latest sweet piece of exercise equipment that will not only make me a six pack stud in just 20 minutes a day, but it will also give me a tan if you compare the before and after pictures. I guess I just feel so awesome with my hot bod that I often go tanning now or hang out at the beach.
I think my goal for weight loss would be to fit into the clothes that I have rather than lose so many inches that I have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Jessica Simpson doesn't have acne anymore and it's all because of Proactiv.
What about the bearded, long haired hippy guy from Christian Children's Fund. He's creepy. And he's always hanging out with cousins of mine. Call the number for a picture of my family from the Philippines.
