Brian Alone

My friend Jen posted this as a bulletin on myspace: Top 21 Ways To Make A Woman Fall In Love With You. I read it, and I'm thinking, it's that easy? So I added my comments.


1. Call her the next day. - Yeah, that's easy. I'm always ready for round 2.
2. Always laugh at her jokes. - Either the jokes are funny, or they're so bad it's laugable. No problem here.
3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again. - Yeah, once again, always ready for the next round.
4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return. - K, I don't ask for one in return, but it damned well better be obvious that this needs to be reciprocated.
5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her. - Booty Call!
6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick. - The teddy bear is for her to hug on so she doesn't try to hug me and get her germs on me. The soup, so she gets better and we can get down to business.
7. Write her a poem. - Even Kevin Federline can put together words that rhyme. Papozao! Grab your socks, bitch!
8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor). - Oh yeah, you know what I mean by slow dancing off the dance floor.
9. Bring her flowers for no reason. - Damn dandelions have been cluttering up the yard anyway.
10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello. - Do you like me? Check yes or no.
11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet. - Anniversaries? Relationships are supposed to last that long?
12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence. - I do care about what you have to say, but right now, I just want to make out.
13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars. - Gas prices are high and movie tickets are outrageously priced.
14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows. - I see dead people.
15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful. - Because telling her she's ugly isn't going to get you laid.
16. Take a bubble bath together. - Yes, because I'm rich and I have this huge tub that actually fits two people.
17. Watch a sappy movie with her. - I'll be your shoulder to cry on, baby.
18. Surprise her with a candle light dinner. - Yeah, I know, next month the power bill will be on time.
19. Never stop trying to impress her. - Or press up on her.
20. Tell her you love her - This comes in handy when you're trying to get laid.
21. Never forget how much she means to you. - It means not having to masturbate into a sock tonight.