Brian Alone

For those of you who took Mrs K's Humanities class with me back in the day, you might remember when we did the whole personal ad thing. At the time I didn't know what to write and didn't make up a great ad. Mrs K gave me a B. Whatever. But 10 years later, I think I got it straight. So here now, for your reading pleasure, what I'm looking for in a girl.

Physical attributes are not overwhelmingly important. Yes, there must be some attraction there, but generally I find that people become more attractive physically when you get to know them better. But I can't say there is one type of look.

You have to like to watch movies. I haven't actually been to the movies in a long time, but I would if I had someone to go with. And DVDs. I don't see anything wrong with a night at home watching movies in bed.

We have to like the same kind of music. I like a wide variety of music, so this one isn't hard, but you have to be able to put up with me playing a lot of O.A.R. and listening to country music while I'm in the shower. And you have to like to go to concerts.

You have to like to drink. You don't have to want to get crazy every night or anything. But some wine with dinner is always good. And a night out with the friends every so often. And maybe a naked run up through the quad to the gymnasium.

You have to understand that I work a lot. I work a good 60 hours a week, easy, though that is starting to go down as I start to take weekends off.

You have to put up with my inability to organize stuff and inability to clean. I actually have a person who comes in and cleans my apartment for me every week. But I don't like to do dishes. They kind of pile up in the sink until I absolutely need to wash something. And my laundry is all over the place.

You have to like to gamble. I am addicted to giving my money to the casino. Plus I need someone to come to Mesquite with me and Gregg and Mandy so we can get the $99 golf and spa packages.

You must be open to random road trips. You never know when I might want to drive to Canada on a whim.

Yeah, that should pretty well cover it. But...

After that, there is a series of tests that must be passed.

Any girl I date must pass the Mandy Test. No, you don't have to get Mandy to like you, because, frankly, I believe that is impossible. Mandy will never like any girl I date. However, she must at least pretend to like you when she meets you. Maybe say that the two of you should hang out some time or some other general BS.

Next you must pass the Chris Test. You have to genuinely like Chris and say things like if you weren't with me, you'd be with him because he's such a nice guy. Then you have to have a hot friend for him.

After that, you must pass the Gregg Test. That means, when Gregg is drunk and starts talking about religion, politics, the Seahawks, or any other drunken rambling, you will have the power to completely ignore him or at least nod your head and smile. You must also reassure him that his child looks just like him and not me...or Chris...or any other Cotton Club patron.

Next is the Cotton Club Test. You have to be able to put up with spending a large amount of your drinking time in an establishment that features awesomely horrible drunken singers (myself included) and be willing to every once in a while be one of them yourself.

Anyone out there like that?